I’ve heard some cover-ups in my time, but bath salts? I mean, what kind of insane conspiracy theorists do these government spooks in their large underground facilities hidden in plain sight on large industrial parks take us for?
Not content with hiding our existence for centuries, they’re now trying to convince the long-suffering – and very gullible – living that we’re all just victims of our own chemical-addled brains. And all this when we’re on the cusp of becoming acceptable and valued members of society.
The whole thing stinks worse than the balaclava of an undercover agent infiltrating an animal rights group.
As a result, the predictable and unnecessary knee-jerk reaction by authorities around the world has been surprising only in its rapid implementation. The Australians have already closed their borders, using specially-trained sniffer dogs to weed out anyone vaguely smelling of rotten meat. Even the living are being rounded up and thrown in the shark tanks – as an unfortunate contingent of African travellers found out yesterday. Too late for them, Customs Officers discovered the stench that had sent the dogs into a frenzy was in fact a package of ‘bush meat’, a banned cultural delicacy which had been hidden in the Africans’ luggage.
But don’t take my word for it, the front-page article in this morning’s ‘Australia Today’, shows our global puppetmasters’ attitude towards our Antipodean brothers :-
Those bloody refugees from the Southeast Asian Bath Salts epidemic – or whatever the hell it is – are being told to clear off until the authorities can figure out just what the hell’s going on. Brian Rogers, Chief of Border Control at Sydney Airport filled us in.
“You see mate, we’re used to finding all kinds of weird crap in suitcases. You know; rotten monkeys, boa constrictors and insect colonies – because these foreigners eat some bloody funny stuff. But I have to draw the line at severed human limbs. Call me old-fashioned, but that’s just not on, mate.”
Even the Chinese, known for their calm restraint in such delicate matters, have gone radio silent in the last week. The place is as dead as freedom of thought.
And now my own British Government have fallen foul of the hysteria. The Foreign and Commonwealth Office today warned the public against travel to Indonesia, Malaysia and Laos, despite a more cautious approach by the British Medical Association. Earlier today, a spokesman for the highly-respected BMA said the Bath Salts epidemic was ‘nothing more than a fabrication by mindless armchair conspiracy theorists with no friends, and therefore nothing better to do with their sad, lonely and exceedingly desperate lives than to create fear and panic around the globe. They should all be shot, or sold to vivisection laboratories for painful – and mostly unnecessary – medical experiments.’
Where will it end, I ask? We’ll just have to wait and see what else the Illuminati and their reptilian bedfellows have up their Bilderberg-sponsored sleeves. In the meantime, I’m coccooning myself inside a thick roll of industrial-strength tin foil to block the Zeta Reticulians’ Jedi mind tricks. I suggest you to do the same.