It was with some distress that in the past couple of weeks we came across this article on the possibility of seeing a lab-grown hamburger by the end of the year. Contrary to popular belief, we zombies can be extremely picky eaters. Just because we’re a little messy in our consumption absolutely does not mean that we don’t care about what goes into our bodies.
Quite frankly, lab-grown meat just isn’t going to cut it for the diet of the undead. “Now hold on fellas”, you say. You may be thinking that we would look forward to being able to not have to hunt down our meat. But rest assured that this is not the case.
After years of empirical research, we have determined that the best meat is that which has been freshly killed. We prefer our food at 98.6 degrees Farenheit. Not one degree higher or lower. The screams of agony that typically preceed one of our meals serve to get our salivary glands worked up into a right tizzy. It should be noted that we won’t turn our noses up at cold or even overly-warm flesh, just that we prefer that “I was just alive a few seconds ago” tastiness.
Additionally, this whole idea of getting meat from a lab would likely end up with us having to rely on you for meat (which we pretty much do now anyway, but I digress). Let’s face it, the vast majority of our horde aren’t exactly the sharpest knives in the drawer. We’re not going to be growing the meat in labs – you will. We’ll have to come groveling to you for our sustenance. And what may seem like a peaceful accord to you, could easily end up in indentured servitude for us.
To conclude, it may seem selfish of us to ignore your ideas and continue using you all as food in spite of your scientific discoveries – but quite frankly, that’s your problem.