Real Zombies Don’t Get Caught

Last week, in response to a number of possible “zombie” attacks, David Daigle of the CDC sent a message to the Huffington Post in which he stated the “CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms)”.  Excuse me?  We here at For Zombies take great exception to this statement.

To be fair, the article does point out at the beginning that these so-called zombie attacks are nothing more than your standard acts of cannibalism.  For example – let’s start with the infamous Miami incident in which a 31 year old male nearly ate off the face of another person.  Cannibalism?  Yes.  Zombie attack?  Hardly – he didn’t even get into the cranium.

Next, there was a student in Maryland who ingested the brains and heart of his roommate.  On the surface, this may sound like the real thing, but as we look closer at the incident, we find that  he ate “parts of the victim’s brain and all of his heart”.  Hey now!  We would have finished the brain first,  and then gone on to the other organs.

Additionally we have had a number of other recent incidents involving so-called “bath salts” as well as a case in Canada in which a low-rent porn star was sending body parts through the mail.  Bath salts just don’t do much for us as our decayed circulatory systems can’t deliver them anywhere where they may have an effect.  And mailing body parts – hello?  Waste of food, anyone?

Before anyone gets their undies in too much of a bunch, we’d like to take a moment to point out that we life challenged go to great lengths to keep our esoteric eating habits behind closed doors and out of the public eye.  Truth be told, we’re actually quite humdrum about our anthropophagy.  A lot of attention is paid to proper etiquette – e.g. which forks to use with which body parts, does the host or the guest tuck in first and that sort of thing.  All this gathering into hordes and laying waste to society is nothing more than a Hollywood fantasy.

The hysteria surrounding these recent incidents is exactly why we keep our gustatory habits on the down-low.  All it takes is enough people barking up the apocalypse tree, then suddenly it’s open season and we’re being hunted down with chainsaws and baseball bats.

Leave a Comment