The Miami zombie prank caught the nation’s attention and got the zombie community groaning. We don’t take kindly to breathers trying to emulate us. We do understand the appeal. Our freewheeling attitude, snappy fashion and all night parties have their draw, but you pretenders stand out like a sore infected thumb. There are several telltale giveaways. Allow me to elucidate. First, enter exhibit A – the prank video.
Zombies don’t wear ties. Ties went out of fashion among us in the mid-70s. Nowadays you won’t catch any of us dead… er… with a shotgun hole in our heads wearing a tie. Bowties are in because bowties are cool.
Zombies don’t stomp the ground. The prankster gets down on all fours a few times and stops the when approaching his would-be victims. Sure, our crawlers may do that, but it’s their means of locomotion. The undead are not primates. Our walkers have some class and don’t stoop to this behavior, metaphorically or otherwise.
Zombies don’t avoid personal contact. The prankster never actually made contact with anyone. It’s abnormal for us. We’re normally so gregarious and friendly. When you see one of us approaching, just remember he or she only wants a hug. The clawing, biting, ripping, tearing and eating is just incidental.
Zombies don’t hesitate. We know what we want and we want it now. We’re a demanding group. Even though we’re slow, we’re methodical and move with purpose. His pauses gave him away.
Zombies don’t have a film crew. Prying eyes and publicity is not our normal mode of operation. We’ve been around for thousands of years and only agreed to be filmed for Romero’s landmark documentary, Night of the Living Dead, fifty years ago. If you see a film crew following a zombie around, you can be sure that’s not a real zombie. Although, some of us do enjoy being extras in horror movies.
Zombies don’t run away. In the last prank, his would-be meals turned on him and chased him off. Even outnumbered and overmatched we don’t run. We may not survive the encounter, but we will convince a few of your to join our cause before you get the better of us.
We fully approve of how the video ended with the faux zombie running away from an angry mob. Next time we think he should try blending in with a horde of real zombies and learn first-claw how we deal with pretenders.