Union Dues and Don’ts

Our local school district is experiencing a teacher strike. Since I homeschool my little shamblers, it doesn’t affect me directly. It has changed things around the neighborhood, though. Usually in the middle of the day there’s nothing to chase but stray cats and the neighbor’s dog. Now it’s like a high-speed buffet out there.

The kids love having so many warm bodies to—ahem—play with, but their parents seem pretty eager to get them back in the classroom and off the streets. I don’t know what that stuck-up Mrs. Clarke was so upset about. Her son did tell my daughter to “drop dead and bite me,” after all. And she’d already done the one.

So there’s a lot of talk about whether the teachers should just suck it up and do their job, or if the district should just suck it up and pay them what they’re worth. I think the solution is obvious. Put zombies in charge of negotiations.

Personally, I’m on the side of the teachers. Public schools have had budget problems since my grandfather was a fresh bleeding corpse, and I know that it’s not because the teachers are chronically overpaid. Short-changing the people who are doing the best they can to keep the system running is not a sound business decision. Anyone with one eye and half a brain can see that.

Zombies are the best of the best when it comes to budget management. Who else is able to do so much with so little? Our brains are rotten, our eyes are falling out, and are limbs tear off if you look at them funny. But in recent years we have taken the world by storm and struck fear in the heart of an entire nation.

Our existence has spawned survival guides, video games, and even erotica. (Don’t ask.) We are masters of the adage, “Less is more.”
The best part about putting zombies in charge of negotiations is that we work for almost nothing. What do we need money for? The world is our fast food restaurant. Though with the rising obesity rates, slow food might be a better name for it. Feeding the kids has never been easier.

I am confident that if union leaders and school administrators spent just a few hours with a zombie mediator, a compromise could be reached in record time. A zombie mediator could bring the two opposing factions together in a way that no one else could. A zombie mediator could give them common ground to work from, and a common goal to reach. Put them in a room together with a single zombie, and miracles could happen.

Especially if the room is locked from the outside and empty of all firearms, edged weapons, and blunt instruments.

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