In a recent case of alleged voter fraud in South Carolina, Kevin Shwedo, head of the state DMV said, “If you have voted after you are dead, there is a good, strong possibility that you did something illegal.” After decades of recognition that zombies walk the earth, we’re still denied the basic and fundamental right to vote. We’re treated worse than second-class citizens.
The CDC considers us a threat to civilization with their preparedness training. True, there has been a grass-roots movement to spread public awareness. The occasional road sign has been tampered with to warn motorists of zombies ahead. Activists clearly recognized the danger posed to zombies by speeding cars and for that, this zombie thanks you. It’s a start, but it’s not enough. The groundswell of zombie support has yet to make its political impact felt.
We call on our government to reclassify zombies. We’re not dead. We’re undead and need to be recognized as such. To that end, I motion that we are referred to as “life-challenged” while reserving the term “zombie” to use among our own kind. It’s a small, but important step in reframing our kind as something more than a monstrosity bent on the consumption of human flesh.
While that may be one of our interests, it hardly needs to define us. We have hobbies such as brewing and grilling. We are capable of administering first aid and we mix some tasty cocktails. Furthermore, our unique condition gives us an alternative perspective from which we dispense valuable advice in our Dear Zombies series.
The undead have been persecuted and pilloried, shunned and shot, dismembered and decapitated. The time for change has come. I demand legal recognition. We can be a valuable voting segment. Over time, I expect the undead will become an influential force and take our fair bite out of the body politic.