Zombie Amusement Parks Not So Amusing

With the rise in popularity of shows like The Waking Dead, zombie awareness has been ever increasing.  Not a day goes by now that I don’t see a decal of a zombie family on the back of an SUV as it speeds away.  As far as I’m concerned that was false advertising.  If you claim to have a zombie family you shouldn’t be surprised when a walker tries to join your outing.  But I digress.  This year’s San Diego ComicCon featured a Walking Dead-inspired obstacle course.  It’s clear we’re making inroads into the breather entertainment industry and the slow march continues.

Universal Studios announced that it will have an attraction dedicated to (you guessed it) The Walking Dead for their annual Halloween Horror Nights.  This September, a zombie theme park opens in the suburbs of Atlanta, GA through to November.  Participants are encouraged to pepper zombies with paint balls.  Z World, a permanent theme park has been proposed as a means of repurposing 200 acres of abandoned area in Detroit as an immersive zombie-survival experience.

While we recognize that these attractions celebrate our ominous presence and Z World has a unique proposal to revitalize a blighted portion of Detroit, we do take issue on a few fronts.

  1. Zombies are used without license.  Sure, Universal Studios pays licensing fees to use The Walking Dead on an attraction, but does The Walking Dead pay the undead to use us as screen fodder?  The sad answer is that we’re underemployed and grossly underpaid.  An undead charity fund is long overdue and we motion that a portion of ticket sales goes to a charity that would cover the cost of duct taping, stapling or, if necessary, replacing limbs and vital organs flung off and lost at their theme parks.
  2. Zombies are not targets.  The Atlanta attraction lets breathers wantonly shoot zombies with paintball guns.  While we do appreciate that they are not allowing firearms of any significant caliber, those paintballs can still take out an eye.  We simply ask for a sporting chance to take down our opponents.  A bite isn’t life threatening after all.  It can be cured with a simple amputation.  Where’s the fun if there isn’t any risk?
  3. Anti-zombie training.  If Z World moves forward, it could become the world’s first training ground in preparation for the zombie apocalypse.  Let me set the record straight.  We zombies have no intention of consuming the entire world.  There would be nothing left to eat.  Our neurons have stopped firing, but we’re not stupid.  We’d much rather you breathers continue to replenish our food supply.  Rumors of a zombie apocalypse are the byproduct of the same conspiracy minded alarmists who ranted that everyone would be rounded up in FEMA camps and that breathers never landed on the moon.  Get a grip. This is unnecessary.

Thanks for reading and we hope you take our concerns into consideration when planning your zombie-related entertainment.

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